In an earlier life, I used to be a teacher … a chemistry teacher, if you must know. However, that was about a hundred years ago and these days I’m even struggling to remember the formula for sodium chloride.
What I do vividly remember from my various guises in the profession, though, were some of the quite wonderful excuses that kids would use for being absent from school. Please allow me to give you just a few … and not the apocryphal ‘the dog ate my homework’ crap. These ones are for real.
‘I fell in the burn and a man had to give me the kiss of death.’
‘I thought it was Saturday till lunchtime.’
‘I was on my way to school and realised that I had forgotten my homework, then I went back for it and accidentally stayed at home.’
‘I thought today was yesterday.’
‘I broke my nose with my knee at the breakdancing club.’
(This last one was my own personal favourite … even although it turned out to be completely genuine.)
Thereafter, the slippery pole hauled me away from the blackboard and plunged me into the murky world of town hall politics, a strange and febrile alternative universe in which sodium chloride never even got a look-in. Honestly, it felt like having played football for years in Cumnock’s Sunday League and then being chucked into Real Madrid’s first team.
And so, for schoolchildren, now read politicians. Yet, still the excuses came and with breathtaking frequency, although certainly not with the same innocence. And while they might have presented as being wide and varied, it soon became obvious to me that there were essentially a mere five of them.
‘I don’t recall saying that.’
(I definitely did say that, but now I’m kicking my own backside for being so bloody stupid.)
‘My words have been taken out of context.’
(Yes, that is exactly what you heard me say, but let me now bluster my way out of it.)
‘I’m afraid I wasn’t aware of that at the time.’
(I failed miserably to do my research, but I want you to believe that it was someone else’s fault.)
‘I followed the only guidance available to me at the time.’
(This old hot potato has been passing from pillar to post for ages now, and there’s no bloody way that it’s going to end up on my lap.)
‘Mistakes were made and I can only apologise on behalf of those responsible.’
(This has been a catalogue of errors, a complete & utter car crash, but if I just gloss over the whole process and don’t actually name anyone, everybody will soon forget about it.)
When I then retired and moved with my family over to the island of Arran, I knew I would miss the cut-and-thrust of the frenetic world that had been my working life for almost forty years. However, at least I would never again have to listen … head shaking, nostrils dilated & muttering expletives in frustration … to any more of those exasperating, yet wonderfully-crafted excuses. Or at least, so I thought.
Enter CalMac Ferries Limited.
You see, CalMac operates our alleged ‘lifeline service’ to and from Arran (and all other west-coast islands for that matter). And while CalMac port staff & crew personnel are always unfailingly hard-working, helpful and courteous to a fault, the strategic and operational management of our ferry services often have islanders & visitors tearing their hair out.
Tens of thousands of cancelled sailings on the west-coast network in the past few years are clear testimony to that … and that’s just those which were due to technical faults alone.
However, I’m now seriously wondering if CalMac have actually appointed an under-the-radar ‘head of excuses’. If so, it has been a superb appointment, because the list that has appeared of late is of Encyclopaedia Britannica proportions.
First, there are ‘stronger than expected easterly winds’ (according to CalMac, westerly winds are dreadful too and northerly/southerly not much better, which leaves only ‘flat as a millpond’ as suitable sailing conditions).
Next up are ‘heavy sea swell’, ‘poor visibility’ & ‘unsafe harbour conditions’, swiftly followed by ‘engine and/or gearbox faults’ (all apparently beyond the capability of brand-new, state-of-the-art ferries the size of transatlantic cruise liners, which took eight years to build and at a cost of five times over budget.)
Then there are ‘bow thruster problems’ (with which many of you male readers will sadly be familiar) and ‘hull damage’ (a euphemism for rust).
Factor in such strange bedfellows as ‘crew constraints’, ‘annual overhauls’, ‘major maintenance’, ‘slippage’, ‘tidal restrictions’ & ‘linkspan faults’ and we’ve almost reached the foot of page one.
However, the jewel in the crown of the most recent inane excuses must surely be the quite magnificent ‘inoperative harbour navigation lights’, which begs the rhetorical question … how many senior managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
So, there we go, then. Very shortly, I will regale you with a little personal tale about one such cancelled sailing and the near-superhuman lengths my own family and I had to go to … and all simply to get back home.
I’m sure many of you will have come across your own memorable excuses along life’s great highway … whether those were about dogging off school, furious run-ins with bureaucracy, irritation about public transport or whatever.
So, please help me to kick things off by sharing them, will you? I love a good excuse almost as much as a good curry.
Brilliant Dad!
An under the radar ‘head of excuses’ 😂😂😂😂
Thanks!
Brilliant wee read keep it up !
Thanks!
I wish I had written down all the ‘funnies’ from my teaching days. I don’t quite have your memory Ian. I can’t remember what I had for breakfast most days.
However, I do remember being handed a note from a lovely wee Primary 1 ….his mum had written –
‘Dear Mrs Thompson , Ben had a sore throat and wasn’t well last night so I have done his reading homework for him ‘….
Found that a wee bit tricky to follow since the point of the homework was for the child to practise newly taught phonetic skills ‘out loud’ with fluency to help him to break down the words and begin to master the art of ‘reading’
Don’t start me on Cal Mac’s excuses ian !!😡
I know!
Good work Ian. My son messaged me to pick him up from school because he needed a jobby.
Please tell me he wasn’t in 4th year at secondary school?
Sets the tone Ian, let’s put it into the cappuccino maker and see how it froths
Will try my very best.
So sorry . Didn’t have time to read this!
Joking . Enjoyed it Ian . Look forward to the sequel .
I’ll send to Gordon in Cayman he remembers your chemistry teaching days. You didn’t teach me but I do remember your hair cut!!! Well done keep up the good work.
Thanks, Janice.
When I asked people to share the blog as widely as possible, I wasn’t really thinking of the Cayman Islands, but I’m delighted!
Please send Gordon my very best wishes. I hope he remembers my Chemistry lessons for the best of reasons & not because of any unplanned lab explosions!
Enjoyed your ‘blog’ Ian. It’s the first one I’ve read. My excuse, if I don’t manage to always read it, is we still get a physical copy of the Glasgow Herald and Daily Record everyday (yes we are that old) which I struggle some days to even open!! I wasn’t a teacher but my friend who was had a note one day obviously written by a child saying she was ‘aff skool cos of a wee touch of cancer’ – good luck with blog x
A classic, Susan!
It has parallels with the note one of my former Head Teacher colleagues received and which was obviously written by a pupil who claimed that it was from the parent. His only error was to sign it :
“Yours sincerely,
My mother.”
I recall when I started third year in Secondary school the science teacher asked, “What’s your excuse Hamilton for not being here in 1st and second year?” It then unfolded that I had gone to the wrong class in first year. Neither teacher had noticed which speaks volumes about my contribution in class. Regardless of teacher, the subject remained a mystery to me and we parted ways at the end of third year.
Haven’t heard that one before, Jim!
Very good!!
Brilliant keep it up papa!
I remember back in the day when I was stopped for speeding driving through New Cumnock when I was a busy mobile hairdresser. … I gave this excuse…. Sorry I was in a hurry, I’ve left a client under the hairdryer with perm curlers in.
Police officer had never heard that excuse before. He laughed kindly, but still booked me.!!!!!!
One of my favourites is a Billy Connolly classic! “Wullie’ll no be at school the day cause he’s had diarrhoea through a hole in his balaclava!”
Some of those excuses are being used to this day by politicians
I recently visited a Coffee Morning in a Church Hall in Bearsden. I had gone there as some children from my granddaughter’s school were showing their work on Fairtrade. We arrived after the children left but I met a lovely lady who offered us tea and home baking. She told us she started her career as student teacher in the school my granddaughter attends many years ago and subsequently moved to work in a special needs school in Clydebank.
We got onto speak about your blog Ian and excuses, excuses
She wanted to share her favourite story from her teaching days. In her younger days, she had very dark hair of which she was very proud. The full story will be shared another night Ian but it goes along the lines:
Hey Miss – you’ve got so many different colours in your hair, you look like a ****** raccoon!
We had such a laugh.
What warmth and friendliness – all started by our discussion about children and your blog!
Brilliant Ian! You made me laugh out loud which is unusual in my ‘even more crabbit than ever’ era. 😊
Thanks, Eileen!
I don’t think I’ve ever seen you crabbit!!
Fabulous, I can hear your dulcet tones loud and clear!